Applegate Hot Dogs

welcome to the annual pta election. we will start with the candidates' statements,and since only one bothered to show up, she will go first. gwendolyn, you have five minutes. thank you. i'll talk as long as i want.

Applegate Hot Dogs, god, this movie's depressing. amy! amy, i'm sorry we're late. it's kiki's fault. sorry we're late, honey. so sorry.

i had to pee. what's happening? why aren't you ready? what's going on? what are you talking about? what are you... it's the pta election. oh, my god, no. sorry, i'm not going to that. what? why not? oh, i don't know. maybe because my husband left me, my kidsleft me.

my fucking dog left me. all the moms in school hate me, and i am acomplete and utter failure as a mother. first of all, you are so not a failure asa mother. in fact, you're the best mother that we'veever seen. true that. you give your kids salad. you remember your kids' birthdays. i mean, i sat here and watched you wait untilyour kid fell asleep before you got high. most moms do that, carla.

that's most moms, yeah. well, whatever. this is the worst thing i've ever seen youdo. you've quit trying. we don't quit! moms don't quit! no! quitting is for dads! listen, no matter what shit is thrown at us,us moms, we have to just... we have to just keep going. and do you know why?

because we have low self-esteem. no. no, no. it's because we love our kids. it's because we love our stupid, selfish,ungrateful, little shit-faces! that's why. we love 'em so much that we would do... literally anything for them. you guys, i can't win the election. oh, my god! amy!

this is not about the election. amy, sit up. this is about standing up to the bitch thathurt your little girl! now, are you gonna sit here and let gwendolynget away with this shit? don't do it, amy. fuck that! fuck it! you are gonna rise up like a small, littlewhite apollo creed. and you are gonna look at gwendolyn and youare gonna say, "you can do what you want to me, i don't care,throw it at me, but you fucked with my daughter,

and now i have to fight you." "i will fight you in the playground." "i will fight you in the cafeteria." "i will even fight you in the parking lotof trader joe's." "but i will have justice for my little girl,because i am a fucking mom." "and we protect our young." so get up off this couch, turn off 12 yearsa slave and let's body slam this bitch. come on, amy. come on,

get those tits up. get 'em up. get 'em up. get your boobs up. get those tits right up. i'm gonna get my tits up. get your tits up! they're getting up, you guys. they're getting up. i can see it. guys, my tits are gettin' up. they're getting up. they're getting up. that's it. they are up! go, go, go, go!

i can't seem to locate my safety belt backhere. this is a one-way street! move out of the way! we're on our way from pta meeting, motherfuckers! oh, my god, there's a truck! truck! truck! truck! oh, my god! oh, my god. oh, fun. kent is calling. hi, honey. kiki.

the kids are going insane. i can't do this. you gotta come home right now. but i can't come home. i'm going to the pta meeting with my friends. no, no, no, no. i said come home now, damn it! and i said,"i'm going to the fucking pta meeting with my fucking friends,"so stop being such a goddamn pussy and make it work! kiki. kiki...

that was very exciting. how good did that feel? that felt good, didn't it? it's very exciting! yes! it's very exciting! and it is for that reason and the 47 othersthat i laid out for you today that i humbly ask for your vote. all right, thank you, gwendolyn. uh, well... sorry i'm late!

actually, you're just in time to give yourcandidates statement. what's a candidate statement? oh, i think that's like a speech. you got one of those, right, honey? what are you talking about? you don't have a speech? of course not! it's all good. she's got a great speech. i'm not good at this public speaking. hey, we're sitting here. move, move, sorry, move.

okay. wow, there's a lot of you. introduce yourself. hi, i'm amy mitchell. good. and i'm running for pta president. you're doing great. just 'cause they're not responding doesn'tmean they think you're terrible. you know...

i know there's a lot of rumors going aroundabout my daughter. that's a bad place to start. and i'm guessing a lot of you think that i'ma bad mom. yes. no, no. no, you know what? you're right. sometimes, i'm too lenient with my kids. sometimes, i'm too strict. well, we overestimated her, obviously. sometimes, i'm so crazy that i don't evenunderstand the words that are coming out of

my mouth. you see, what works for my daughter almostnever works for my son. and whenever i think i'm actually startingto figure my kids out, they grow up and i'm back to square one. so, the truth is, when it comes to being amom, i have no fucking clue what i'm doing. and you know what? i don't think anyone does. i think we're all bad moms, and you know why? because being a mom today is impossible!

i never doubted her. i never doubted her. she's doing great. she's a natural. so can we all just please stop pretendinglike we have it figured out and top judging each other for once? look, i'm running for pta president because... because i want our school to be a place whereyou can make mistakes, where you can be yourself, where you're being judged on how hard youwork and not on what you bring to the fucking bake sale. yeah! yeah!

i want our school to be a place where it'sokay to be bad mom. do you what i mean? my kids haven't had bath in three weeks. that's okay! listen, we've all been there. i confiscated my son's weed and then i smokedthe shit out of it! what's your number? i give my kids a benadryl every tuesday nightso i can watch the voice. i can't tell my twins apart! i let my 7-year-old watch mad max.

i drink margaritas for breakfast. i threw my son's violin in the garbage. oh, honey, we don't speak spanish. i like my nanny better than i like my husband. wait, really? yeah, you do! i don't even have kids! i just come to pta meetings because i'm lonely. here's the thing.

if you're a perfect mom who's got this whole parenting thing figured out, well, then, you shouldprobably vote for gwendolyn, 'cause she's amazing. but if you're a bad mom like me and you haveno fucking clue what you're doing, or you're just sick of being judged all the time... then please vote for me. thank you. oh, my god!

are you kidding me?

yes! look at that! this is your pta president! amy! amy! amy! amy! amy!