Adopt A Service Dog Dropouts

it's the maria bamford show! >> my parents kicked me out of the house,so i moved in with my sister. but then my sister got mad at me cuzi ruined her glue gun, by accident. so i'm back living with my parents onthe condition that my mom can dress my dog blossom whatever costume she desires.

Adopt A Service Dog Dropouts, it's the maria bamford show, hey! aah!so i've been thinking about whatto do next with my life, so i called my friend linda in los angeles.

>> maria, you already do some much. you make people laugh. that's the greatest gift in the world. >> i wanna go help people somewhere,where there's suffering, you know? i wanna go sell my cds or something. >> why don't you just buy a pair offair-trade shoes made of recycled materials and do your part? i already have 18 pairs of shoes. don't you think conscious neglectis the equivalent of perpetration?

>> okay, sounds like somebody needs totreat themselves to a red wine colonic. >> so i'm still working at the tempagency, but i'm looking for ways to make it more meaningful. >> amy, i know you wanted meto enter the entire duluth, minnesota phone bookinto microsoft outlook. it was a great idea. >> uh-huh. >> i was thinking,we don't even have to do that. >> what?

>> because we already have all the names,addresses, and phone numbers of everybody in duluth,minnesota on file. >> in the phone book. >> we don't need to have a copy, that would be redundant, you know cuz->> so store it. >> the phone book is a file.>> the phone book won't fit in the file cabinet! >> so i'm still feeling depresseddespite being heavily medicated, so my mom bought me a special lamp.

>> okay honey, i'm just gonna put,turn the lamp on you. now this is forseasonal affective disorder, okay? and what it is,it creates the effect of daytime sun rays. >> it's kinda bright, butit's good, it's good, it's good. >> so you just sit here and relax and let the light hit you,and i will chat with you. >> thanks mom. >> so sweetie,what is it that you're anxious about? >> are you worried about the state of theworld, and how hundreds of thousands of

innocent people die at the handsof their own government and ours? >> no. >> sweetie, is it that you'reworried about your father and i and us getting older? cuz we are falling apart. you know, i could go at any second. you know,there is a history of stroke in my family. suddenly i can't speak except out the sideof my mouth and then i'm drooling. and then i'm missing the part of my brainthat exudes kindness and so, suddenly i'm

just yelling stuff at you out the side ofmy mouth like i hate you, little bitch! >> no! it isn't about that. >> you know, i think the real reasonyou're down is because you're 36. everything you've ever achievedis really in the past now. probably, you never reallyreach those heights again. >> i don't want to talk about it. >> you look 36, and that's hard, and you're on the scrap heap, really.

>> in terms of your career,everyone looks at you and says [sound], that lady again? high voice, low voice. we get it, shut up. >> mom! >> honey, should i turn the lamp up? >> sure. [music] >> it's the maria bamford show!

>> so i've started dating again cuzi think i'm ready for a relationship. so i'm looking, but when i say looking,i'm not really looking, cuz when you're looking it's like you'redesperate and anxious, and i'm available, but i'm not looking atanything in particular. i'm open to love. it's the maria bamford show. >> my last breakup was really painful. especially, when i had to tell my nieces. >> tee-tee, tee-tee,where your boyfriend frank?

>> frank isn't here, we broke up. >> why? >> frank had these urges and he didn't know whether he couldcontrol them or understand them. and not that i'm against bisexuality,but it made me feel unsafe. >> i don't know why. >> i don't know. [sound]>> tee-tee. >> [sound]>> one

of the reasons i haven't dated in solong, besides my nervous breakdown, is because back in los angeles i had a fewreally bad internet dating experiences. >> you look different from your picture. >> my picture, it's a head shot,so the lighting's different and it's me, it's just i have moremakeup on and that kind of thing. >> so what do you do for a living? >> i'm a comedian. >> don't do that. do like seinfield.

do really good jokes, then get on a tvshow, and then just fucking coast. so what do you do for fun? >> well, i'm currently takingan art class at the wizard of art. i am currently makinga painting of an apple. it's called apple [laugh]. do shit nobody's ever thought of,you know, like picasso. then make a million of them,put them on tote bags, keychains, and then just fucking coast. >> right now,i'm just kinda working out the colors and

stuff and then there's a gravity shadow. >> listen, i gotta get outta here. it's not a good match, butgood luck with all that. >> so my mom set me up on a blind datewith a guy named todd from duluth. >> so, you like to read? >> yes, i love to read! i love to read. i love fiction, non-fiction, magazines, books, newspapers, i mean,i'll read anything.

if you put something in front of me,i will read it. >> so, you like dogs? >> yeah, i have a dog. i have a dog, she's a pug. she's 11 years old, andshe's a pug, and she's wonderful. she's the light of my life. i mean not that she is everything,there can be room for other people cuz there's plentyof room for other people. we're really just the base of a startingof a family is what we look for, not that

i'm desperate to have kids or anythinglike that, but any kind of family. and when i say a family, i mean, it's any grouping of peoplethat choose to be family, chosen family. not that i'm not into marriage,i think marriage is important. it's a great institution, really. it solidifies people'scommitment to each other, but if that isn't something that you're into,maybe we should talk about that now. but i wouldn't talk about thatnow cuz that's inappropriate. that's not what you're asking,do you have a dog.

i have a dog. >> you from here? >> i grew up in duluth. yep, i mean that's why we're [laugh]. >> okay, i'll call you. >> he's the one! i don't have to date anymore. i'm done! hi, so you're coming in forthe role of maria baronford's mother.

okay, and you're marilyn manford. >> yes. >> okay. okay. well, whenever you're ready. >> sweetie, listen, kiddo. it's okay if you're gay. >> but i'm not gay. >> i know, i know.

but it would be okay if you were. >> to women together,i'm sure is a wonderful thing. there's nothing to be ashamed of. >> mom, i'm heterosexual. >> i know but there are a lotof very attractive, sensitive, well put together lesbians out therewho are ready to have a family. >> you think i should be gay? >> well sometimes i thinkit could be easier. >> have you ever taken anyacting classes or anything?

>> no i've never taken any acting classes. >> you seem a little green. >> i'm sorry. sorry, sorry, sorry. >> and i just encourage youto really get in a class and start working out regularly. but i like your energy. i like your energy, and also,do you have a headshot, or? >> no, no.

cuz, you gave me sort of a familyphotograph of you as christmas card that and acting, i know italways looks like it's just for fun. but it is a job, and it is a profession. and that's kind of your calling card. let's try it again, andjust see what you can do here. cuz what we're looking for is something, what you're doing is great. something clownish, over the top. do you watch cartoons?

like that. like a human being, butin a giant furry costume. >> furry? >> if you can distort your facein any way, with twitches or shaking that would be more alongthe lines of what we need. >> let's see what you can do. >> sweety,listen kiddo it's okay if you're gay. >> i'm just gonna give youa line reading real quick. >> two women togetheris a wonderful thing.

you try it again? >> two women together i'msure is a wonderful thing. >> great. so nice to meet you thank you for comingin and best of luck we'll see you around. mom. >> yeah. >> thanks for letting me do less thanaccurate and highly embellished portrays of you for the internet and on televisionand in movies if they'd let me. >> that's okay honey, it's very funny.

>> happy mother's day. >> thanks. >> i'm in a state of happiness. my boyfriend is super sweet even thoughhe's super quiet doesn't mean he's judging me. i've got a job where i don'tfeel like hurting myself. and my family and friends love meunconditionally and are super supportive. i love duluth. i decided i'm gonna do my ownshow at the pioneer bar, and

i'm gonna get everybody to be in it. i'm not gonna do it, honey. what if i don't want to? no thanks. i'm not gonna be in your stupid show. no, i don't want to. that's what you do. i don't do that. i don't do it.

some people are harderto convince than others. hello and welcome everybody for the first open mic of acceptancehere at the pioneer bar. [sound] please welcome to the stage mrs. marilyn bamford. [sound] come on mom. i'm just gonna read from the bible. joel, could you hand me the saver. no i never liked the bible.

this is an open mic so we don't have tostand or anything, unless you wish to. those who are true christians will. she doesn't even do her own material. and behold there came a leper andworshiped him saying lord if the willthough can make me clean. and jesus put fourth his hand andtouched him, saying i will be though clean, and immediately his leprosy was cleansed. the bible is so stupid.

now what that means isthat we come to jesus. at least i write my own stuff [laugh]. to be clean, and there is a restroomin the back if people need to use it. and it's important to wash your hands. my god. you can get leprosy in the bathroom. i wonder, just smelling this microphone,if it's been deodorized. he is a dermatologist,but he is also a poet. please welcome my father,dr. drew bamford.

[noise] it's like her parentsare the only friends she has. this one is called 2:30 pm appointment. oiley pustules. i see striations yetyou deny you're picking. gross! some of us are trying to eat it. be quiet. if you don't do it,then it must be dwarfs. [sound] don't lie to me, i'm your doctor.

[sound] i got to go to the shitter. please welcome to the stage my boyfriend,todd tinglelon [cough]. minnesota. he's pretty cute. don't you cry for me. todd, you're so hot. because i come from minnesota with a banjo on my knee. he has just this wonderfulsexual energy on stage.

that's as far as i've gotten. he's like john denver or something. take it to the limit. please, give a warmround of applause to my coworker as well as my friend,amy sliverson. may i have the breaded mushrooms,but have them de-breaded? >> she has a lovely voice. let's go. >> we're gonna head home okay.

>> the show's not over. >> i've got four kids. i gotta get out of here. >> [music] >> wrap it up, wrap it up. >> [inaudible] >> shut up! >> [inaudible]>> shows over, everybody's leaving. >> there's still plenty of show left.

>> hey todd, do you need a ride? >> yeah, i could use a ride. >> todd.>> i don't think i can be in a relationship right now causemy musics kind of taking off and- >> [sound] >> i'll see you later. >> bye. >> hey bamford, i'm still here. you gotta do some jokes.

you know that one documentarywhere that one mountaineering guy was left by his buddy ina crevasse of ice with a broken leg, with no way to climb out andno way anyone would ever find him. >> sweetie, i think it's a blessingthat todd broke up with you and everything has gone horribly wrong,because maybe it's time you realized that you're notcut out to be a girlfriend or a wife or a mother or a friend ora citizen, or a, you get my drift. okay, okay, you cover up. you go to snuggletop mountain,get in your little snuggles.

>> [sound] so the mountaineeringguy with the broken leg, his only choice was to lower himselfdeeper into the darkness of the crevasse, not knowing what was down there. >> your ma says you're real depressedthat the show didn't go so good. >> buti had to come see you cuz you're fired. uh-huh. >> because you wouldn'tlet me finish my song. and i want to be a singer. and now i can't work with youbecause you don't support me.

you don't support me in my dreams. and i want to sing and you won't let me. >> and so the mountaineering guy gotto what he thought was the bottom. saw this little shaft of light andcrawl desperately towards it. got outside andthen realized he had 15 miles to hike over a field of boulders re-breakinghis leg with every step. >> maria,i know this is a dark time for you but i need to confront you onan issue from our last session. you sang an anxiety song?

now you're using it in your comedy bits. i feel like that was my idea, and i'm starting to do stand upcomedy performances myself and i need to ask you to cease and desist. remember to treat yourselflike a precious object. >> so he crawled all the way back andalmost made it. but then fell into the latrinejust outside of base camp. and someone found him there. now he only has four fingers.

>> maria, me and todd came to visityou and tell you we're engaged. >> hey. >> she's sleeping. let's put her hands in warm water,and then egg and tp her. >> and now that mountaineering guysells dvds off his website and does inspirational speaking. [sound] it's the maria bamford show. >> i just got a callfrom inside the crevasse. >> hey, maria, it's stella.

i got you booked. you're at the grizzly bear indian casinoin little lake pikway minnesota, it's just down the roadfrom you in the room. >> i can't do it. >> its $27. you get $0.15 gas reimbursement andtwo rolls at the buffet. >> i won't do it. >> you're opening for brett. >> i'll do it.

>> honey. that's wonderful. you're opening for brett at the casino. that's a big break. your father took me to see brett. i hope he drives me there to see brett. i love the way men drive,especially when they drive you to brett. honey, wear a dress. >> i didn't really want anyone to come,but

they advertised it inthe duluth budgeteer. okay, hey everybody. welcome to the grizzly bear casinoat the room. is everybody here ready to party, okay? >> all right. >> ladies, are you dating, anybody dating? >> i'm a single lady. and i met this guy, andit didn't work out. except in the sack, am i right?

boom, boom. >> [laugh] hah! >> [laugh]! >> [laugh]>> that's happened to me. >> so you know when you're watching tvwith your boyfriend and he wants to watch sports and you want to watch friends orsome other more recent reference? >> you're so funny. >> [laugh] he's like yougive me that remote. >> [laugh] man, you got me.

>> [laugh]>> finally, maria is making some sense. >> i see the daughter i've always wanted. >> and what's the funny part is thatwe do things in a similar way and then have the same exact reaction to them,what? [laugh]>> yeah! >> that is true. >> i love how we're all the same! >> that is sopart of the paradigm that i understand! goddamn it!

>> don't get up in my grill, am i right? >> gosh, she's talking likea black person on television. >> [sound] [laugh]>> [laugh] >> [laugh] >> yeah! yeah! yeah!yeah! >> guys! don't you guys get it that that wasn't me.

you only like me wheni'm not being myself. mom, dad,you guys think i'm weird or bizarre. that i'll never amount to anything. i'm doing great. >> your mom is the one whose beensexually molesting your dog. >> hey, i was just counting her teats. >> shut up. shut up. sarah, i'm not scared of you.

>> you should be. >> chrissy, i don't even know why. why do you come to my shows, why? you hate me. >> because i don't know why. >> amy, you fired me. how can you come tothe show when you fired me? >> i like you. i wanna go to clown school.

>> i'm sick of tryingto please you people. >> i never asked for this. >> this part isn't funny. >> ladies and gentlemen, bread. >> ahh! >> bread! >> yay! >> yeah baby, i want you! >> yeah, i'm going to head out.

lots of people have told me that i'mtoo negative, too dark, too sensitive. now i need to take a walk onthe sunnyside of the street. but if there's one thing i've learnedafter years of struggling with panic and anxiety and ongoing depression is thatthere's plenty of us over here on the side of the street whereit's consistently overcast. >> don't be afraid of the dark. reach out your hand,you'll hit someone like you. everyone's here in the dark. you might not see me but i'm out here too.

>> i hit my kids andhave problems with rage. fuck you. >> that's where there's ice cream andcounty mental health services. i'm obsessed with frequent flyer miles. if i don't get points, i don't wanna live. >> fly in 100 skymiles each time ivisit my cognitive behavioralist. >> i write angry poetry about all the goddamn new shirts marilyn keeps buying me. >> you should read my journal. >> can i?

>> no, but my therapist can. >> lions and war killed,kids in their beds. >> global warming and more. >> the poor. >> drink more caffeine andjust stay on your meds. >> i bite my fingernailsdown the bloody stumps. >> who doesn't? >> i hate the environment anddolphins and forests. >> sometimes i masturbateto my client's headshots.

>> i can't believe youstill have my headshot. >> i live in an alcoholic blackout cuzi'm a gay homosexual transgender woman. >> you're not gonna remember me tellingyou this, but you're not alone. there's nothing to fearcuz we're all terrified. >> sink yourself into the dark. >> desperation is normal,call a hotline, confide. >> i have unwanted thought syndrome. >> a little known version ofobsessive-compulsive disorder. >> it made me avoid all eye contact.

>> and especially knife drawers. i've been through treatment fordepression. i'm 36 and have no kids. i've never been married. i have three separate addiction. and sometimes i weep uncontrollably forabsolutely no reason. [sound] but i'm staying on my meds anddrinking plenty of diet coke. >> i'm sorta bulimic. >> i'm kind of a grump.

>> i'm afraid of my baby. >> i can't take a dump. >> i shop to numb feelings. >> i can't stand the sun. >> i guess i hate god. >> i don't like to run. just calm everyone andyou'll wish you were dead. hey, it's all right in the dark. let professionals answerthe voice in your head.

[sound]>> it's the maria bamford show. >> season 2. i'm becoming a life coach. i'm really getting intocompetitive living, and the only requirement to become a lifecoach is that you can't have succeeded in anything you've every tried,especially show business. and at the prospect of full time work,you feel kind of achy and tired. so they really stress the importanceof baby steps, coaching myself. so i've got 48 goals for the coming week.

goal number one, master and defeat death. get a paddle of river sticks and thrust the sword of everlasting lifeinto the heart of the necromancer. number two.[sound] okay, all right here. [sound] okay, very nice. living will, joel thomas,mitchell bamford, marilyn bamford. july 6, 2007, year of our lord. approximately 17:00 hours. marilyn, i'm using the tapethat was already in here.

it said episode 11. i hope it's a show you've already seen. [cough]we're going on a motorcycle trip of norway and there's been a 12%increase in fatalities in motorcycle accidents with seniors, andwe're going with the grey panthers. we're gonna make this videoalthough we do have it on paper. it's notarized if youneed to reference it. [cough] vegetization if i becomea vegetali, please unplug. >> goal number 12.

change the world possibly through comedy. comedy has never changed anything. i know the berlin cabaretwas hilarious and insightful butit didn't stop the rise of hitler. marilyn, did you have any? did you wanna be plugged or unplugged? >> you're doing a living will. i brought you an ice cream bar. it's half fat, it's two points.

>> thank you very much, marilyn. >> okay, i would like to be plugged inbecause i wanna stay a part of things. >> that's crazy. your brain tissue will be dead. no electrical activity going on in there. you'll be like blossom. >> that's a good idea. i could just lay on people's laps,or keep the couch warm. that kind of thing.

>> note. if there is wind technology, please use topower and animate marilyn's shell [cough]. >> tell the girls to put,spread my jewelry on a bed and then just turn off the lights anddive for it. and i think that way is the most fair. >> and fun. >> could i have a little taste of that? >> you already had one, marilyn. i just want just a little taste.

>> you can have a little bite. >> [sound]>> no, come on, god damn it, marilyn! >> [sound]. >> jesus christ! >> sorry, sorry, sorry. >> okay, all right, everybody, we're out. >> goal number 48. drink more water. i can't drink more water, i'm full.

so, now i'm just gonna keepmy mouth open in the shower. that way,anything that gets in there is just crazy. well, i didn't evenhave to think about it. >> i've been leaving my mom messages onher answering machine from the baby jesus. hi marilyn, it's the baby jesus. listen, i was in town for a couple days,i thought i might give you a call. >> sweety,will you stop leaving me those messages. >> what messages? >> the ones from the baby jesus.

>> baby jesus is leaving you messages? you better call him back. >> honey stop it, it's creepy. >> after our broken friendship,my friend amy reached out to me and invited me to church. >> do you wanna go to church with me? my husband's church and there's gonnabe a band and free beer and childcare. my husband's a pastor! >> hey mom, you wanna go to church?

>> cuz it's not a real church? cuz it's held inthe abandoned piggly wiggly? >> no, it's, yes. >> hey sarah, wanna go see jesus? >> yeah, i can't go, i worship santa. >> hey dad, how about you,are you interested in jesus christ? no, i'm very busy right now. i don't have time for christ. i'm working on my submarines.

what do you think? well, just drew that. >> this is my husband pastor dan. >> hi, nice to meet you. >> is this your first time atthe blood bath of the lamb? >> so you're a virgin? i like that. >> you ready? are you ready for the revolution?

>> yeah, i believe in the humanmind's power to create fantasies that reassureitself in times of trouble. >> your heart right now, it's a cold rock. but the christ is gonna come in there,and it's gonna be hot. and it's gonna pour into the cleftsof your tender heart space and make it just clean. because it's dirty right now,it's dirty with sin. >> sounds bad. >> you're cold,rock hard heart is going to be

cleft in two by the hot christ blood. the hot, pounding christ blood that comes,and comes, and comes in between the tendrils of your,tender, tender heart, making it moist and ready forfertilization and salvation. >> yeah, i gotta go. >> you gotta go? you don't want to eat anything? cuz we used to have sandwiches but now, we got sammy's pizza andthey cut it into squares.

>> i don't believe in god,but i do believe in blossom. blossom, what should i do right now? should i go get a diet coke? what should i do about violence andwar and inhumanity? why do people suffer? goddamit, god, that is such bullshit! that is such a cop out. but i love you. cuz you're the most beautiful, cute, cute,

cute god in the whole world, yes you are. do you want me to scratch your belly,because i will? >> hey marilyn, it's bj. jeez, it seems likewe're playing phone tag. if you get a chance,gimme a jingle jangle. >> it's the maria bamford show. >> my mom's been reading my journal. >> you said me hate me, hate me, hate me. and that i'm a b-i-t-c-h.

>> i wrote it in my private journal. you're not supposed to read it. >> you left it out so i had to read it. >> i didn't leave it out. i left it underneath the mattress. >> how am i not supposedto be able to find that? and then all this creepy stuffabout chopping us up into bits, and having sex with our bits,and eating our bits. >> it's for my ocd therapy.

i'm going to an ocd specialist to finallydeal with my unwanted thought syndrome. unwanted thought syndrome isthe fear of doing something awful. like the fear that you're a raper oryou're a molester or a murder or a killer ora genocider or a terribler. the things you fear doingare usually taboo, very violent, sexual, sacrilegious, etc. >> okay, so this is your journal? this is it? and you've written down your thoughts?

i'll read back what you've written. nice handwriting. i, maria bamford, am a horrible,creepy, serial killer, molester, raper, and genocider. and so is blossom, and we are killingpeople and cutting them up into bits and then having sex with the bits andeating the bits. and then we are going to jail, andit's good using the present tense. that's important, because that's morepowerful if it's in the present tense. good job.

i'm being transferred to a differentjail and i am hurting people and killing them and cutting them into bits. and having sex with those bits andthen eating those bits. and then i guess after killingall those people in the jail i am sent to a different jail,like one with more security. and i kill everyone there andcut them into bits and have sex with the bits andeat the bits, okay. so that's it? do you have any fears aboutmaybe having sex with blossom or

shitting on the shroud of turin? >> you haven't ever thought ofskinning a retarded person, making their skin into some sort of jerkyand then feeding it back to their parents? have you ever thought of jacking off anentire farm family and their animals and then rubbing yourself down with allthe semen and then killing them. >> okay, that wasn't so bad. good work. >> sweety, you're back from therapy. do you want me to make you a big fat cow?

>> ooh, a big fat cow. [sound] what's that? >> two skinny cows and weight watchersdream bar shoved into a gas station travel mug, then you add diet coke andbailey's irish cream to taste. six points. >> it's eight full points with banana. >> ooh, a banana. hey maria, you gonna, you gonna chopit up into bits and then [laugh] >> you can have sex with the bits?

[laugh]>> goddamit, would everyone stop reading my journal? >> you can't hide it behindthe radiator in the guest bedroom we never use, andnot expect people to read it. >> it's the maria bamford show! >> amy gave me my job back andi'm saving for an apartment. and i'm experiencing a deep,unceasing boredom. it's almost spiritual. so you want me to cut out everythingin the duluth news tribune,

paste it onto separate sheets of paper, make a copy of those, three whole punchthem and put them in this binder? >> even the cartoons and the ads? >> it just seems like a waste of paperbecause you've already got the paper. you don't need to makea paper copy of the paper. >> i can't read it when it'sfolded like a sandwich! >> poppy,i think i need a more meaningful job. >> what, like a nun ora single mother, or a prostitute? >> it's just hard forme to be in an office eight hours a day.

>> well, it's hard when you'reonly working two minutes a year. [laugh]>> sarah, i was thinking of going back to school. >> mm-hm. >> i could be like a nurse ora cop or a dragon. >> or a nail technician. you could do my nails. do my nails! >> i'm not gonna do your nails.

>> why don't you get off your pity pot andgo help people? help others. >> why don't you go help people? >> i'm already helping, i got four kids. i'm a life coach to four tiny, unemployedpeople with limited motor skills. >> so i'm gonna do it,i'm gonna help people. i'm going to audition, i mean,interview to become a mentor. i'm gonna help them help me,help them help me, help me. >> so marie, why do you wanna be a mentor?

>> i'd like to do something moremeaningful with my life, and when i was a kid, i had tons of problems andi really could have used a mentor i had. [laugh] so many problems. >> what kind of problems? >> ocd. >> depression. >> some alcohol, drug use. >> severe eating disorder that wasn'tas bad, i mean, now in retrospect, as i think it was, buti ended up going through treatment.

and i don't have any ofthese things anymore. not anymore. i mean, they're all, i take medication, i go to groups,i really take care of myself. and i mean, it's like diabetes. i'm gonna have this forthe rest of my life. and yet it's not like diabetes at all, cuz i don't have to take injections everyfew hours or lose a limb at some point or maybe possibly die earlierthan other people.

so it's not like diabetes at all, really. >> i wrote down three words. my first impressions ofyou when you came in. these are the words. anxious, high strung, and eccentric. >> do you think i could be a mentor? >> do you think you could be a mentor? >> honey, the reason theyrejected you from the mentorship program is because youwere too prince together.

they really need people who are stable. >> i wore your scarf. >> anxious, high-strung, and eccentric, aren't those character traitsyou pride yourself on? [laugh]>> yes. >> why don't you volunteer at my house anddo my nails? >> what, i'm needy. i'm at risk, i need direction. it's the maria bamford show!

>> so i've been picking at my face andacting out lately. and i don't know if it's related, but i did just see my friend lindafrom los angeles on this new tv show. >> maria, thank you somuch for your support. >> no, it's true. she's really funny. >> tom,i am not gonna let you wear that shirt. >> and she's an awesome actress. >> hey little man, what's going on?

>> and she's beautiful inside and out. >> i don't see myself asvolunteering with the homeless. i live on skid row, that's my home. and every morning i wake up in my tent and i make sandwiches on my hot plate foreverybody. and forme that's like i'm living with family. >> i was stealing food at work andamy had to confront me about it during one of the team building exercises she gotfrom the corporate offices in atlanta. >> so the ups guy ties us up andshoves us in the closet and

now we just try to get out. did you take my key lime pie yoplait? >> and my babybell laughing cow cheese? >> and my half chocolate rabbit that ikeep on my desk that my grandma gave me for easter that i gnaw on once a year? >> don't do it! >> you're not a team player andwe're a team and you're staring at myweight watchers creamsicles. >> i don't know why i do it, i'm sorry.

>> stop doing it! >> can we get out now? >> not yet. >> and then todd broke up with kristy andso i called him. i don't know why i called him,and then i lunged at him. >> uh-uh. >> come on. >> i don't want to. >> come on!

>> you're shaking and cold, crying. it's weird. i gotta go. >> it is the night of october the 31st,and maria's been left alone withblossom in her parent's attic. it's a dark and stormy night, andmaria's about to take blossom for a walk. but she keeps getting interrupted. [laugh]>> blossom, i'm gonna take you outon a walk in a second.

but right now, i'm feeling alone and vulnerable in a way that makes meseem inappropriately sexy and not so much as scared, as much inviting myselfto be attacked by an unknown evil. [noise]hello. must just be the wind. >> [sound]>> who could that be? everyone in town is at the big bonfire. we'll go out in a second, blossom. hello.>> are you going to the big halloween

bonfire that's at that remote location that everyone's gonna be at, includingall available fire and rescue teams? i'm going as a dancing starfish! >> no, i have social anxiety,and i'm afraid of fire. >> well if you need anything, just call me on my cell phonethat has limited range, what? what? >> amy?>> what are you doing here? no.

no! >> amy![sound] >> amy, are you okay? >> hey honey,we're on our way to the halloween bonfire. we just wanted to see if you're okay. >> mom, dad! >> hey maria,there's a serial killer on the loose! he's murdered 5 women in theirlate 30s with their companion dogs within blocks of our home.

>> okay, but something happened to amy! >> what's that in the road? it looks like a->> jesus christ! >> we're twisting and turning andnow my eyeball is falling out. ahh! >> marilyn butt. >> mom, dad! >> [sound]>> mom! >> [sound]>> are you there?

>> who is this? >> [sound]>> the phone can't ring cuz i'm still on the phone. >> yes, sorry, of course. >> better check on the littledog you love so much. >> what?blossom! blossom. you're okay. i meant to take you on a walk.

[sound] >> so, please take your pet for a walk. don't be so selfish. >> you killed me, you got me. you got me, you killed me. >> it's the maria bamford show. >> blossom has stopped eating. blossie, do you wanna greet me? blossie, sweetie,do you wanna have some low fat,

high carb bacon, ora skinny cow, or some diet coke? >> mom, don't give her skinny cows. >> maria, it's only two points. >> blossom,want to eat some of buttercup's poo? >> sarah. >> buttercup seems to enjoy it. >> hey,blossom do you want some hot milk toast? >> dad, nobody wants hot milk toast. >> i do.

>> i'm taking her to the hospital. >> her vital signs are good, does she haveany history of drug use, seizures, or group casual sex? >> i don't think so. >> surprising how little weknow about the ones we love. what do you think is wrong? >> at this point,we don't know anything more than you do. we're just gonna have to wait and see. i need 8 mil puppy probastandatall, stat!

think it's best if you wait outside. let's open her up. sponge, scalpel, snausage. >> sweety, she'll be fine. she's a christian, right? >> maria, she's just a dog. [sound] [cough] there's plentymore where that came from. >> yeah, you can have one of our dogs,buttercup or rupert, or both. so who is the next of kin?

>> she's my life partner. she's my wife. i'm her wife, we're wives. >> you can see her now. >> thank you. >> we did exploratory surgery,we found a twix bar, a business card for a magician,and some partially digested cats. does she have insurance? >> it's gonna be around $85 million,but we do have a payment plan which

she can pay off overa period of 4,000 years. >> i'm sorry to tell you this, but she only has one minute left to live,if we're lucky. actually, at this point it's probablyonly about, i'll leave you alone. >> blossie, i love you so much. don't leave, you're my best friend. i know we have had ourdifferences over the years. you're a republican, baptist,chinese pug and i'm a baby-killing, independent, radicalmilitant feminist person.

are you trying to tell me something? you wanna go home? will you go to mom and dad's house yet? no, home to china? home, the city of angels. if you believe in the afterlife,that's your business, i mean, if that's a comfort to you buti'm not an idiot. home to los angeles. you're goddamn sick andtired of working nonunion.

living in the boonies and getting fat. i'm not fat. okay, i don't know whyi did that personally. blossom, if you want to go home,we're going home. (music) blossom's doing great. we're moving back to los angeles,and i talked to linda, so i've got a place to stay. >> maria, of course you can stay with me.

in the back of my toyota rav4in the second garage. the house,i know i have four extra bedrooms, but i kinda need those to be emptyright now cuz i'm doing a cleanse. what i'm concerned about is whatare you gonna do if it happens again? >> what linda's referring to isthe reason i came to duluth. i was on stage at the friar's clubwhen i got heckled and had a bit of a psychotic break. if there's a laugh in the forest andi'm there to laugh and i'm laughing, then it's funny.

it doesn't mean you get to laugh at it,it did mean funny in the forest. so before i go back to l.a., i've gotto go see my ocd therapist, dr. boone. >> so i'm just gonna heckle you andjust breathe in, breathe out, just focus on your breath, okay? >> no need to try to force your breath oranything just. >> just breathe, okay. just breathe. >> just pay attention to your body andhow it's feeling. you suck!

breath in. breath out. get the fuck off stage! just pay attention to the breath,how your body feels. you should have been aborted! bring back the black guy! >> dr. boone also told me to havemy friends and family heckle me so i could get desensitized to it. shut the fuck up you stupid cunt,before i snap your neck in half.

>> sweetie, you're not funny, i hate itwhat you're doing, and it's terrible, it's not making me laugh andi want you to get off. morning, mom, thank you. >> hey bitch, women aren't funny. [laugh] i didn't eventhink you're a woman. i thought you were a little boy,or a baby. [laugh]>> thanks pop, that was good. >> please stop telling your jokes, cuzthey're not jokes, and you're hurting us. >> i love you, sarah.

>> amy, you want me to file this underd for dumb rather than r for receipts? >> go away! get away from me! i don't like your comedy stylings. [laugh] seriously, though,where should i file this? >> run away! go away! i don't feel good when you're talking! >> hey, christie, do you have anypacking boxes here at target?

>> i hate you and i want you to die. >> dr. boone says anger only comesout of fear or hurt feelings. >> packing boxes are in aisle seven. >> you know what? if you don't think i'm funny,blossom, then you can leave! i totally support you, yeah. go confidently inthe direction of your dreams! live the life you've always imagined! follow your bliss and get the fuck out!

bitches ain't shit. it's the maria bamford show. so i'm moving back to los angeles. but super deluxe wants to keepthe maria bamford show going so i've been holding auditions here induluth to take over the lead roles. okay, slate. >> fuck you. >> slate your name. it's for the showbusiness people.

>> christy combs, and then the hairdryeris playing the role of blossom. >> so the hairdryer->> it's the dog! >> whenever you're ready. >> when i went in the hospital aftermy meltdown i didn't have any health insurance, so now i owe $26,324.88 andi keep getting these phone calls. hey maria, it's celeste,i'm sorry, i don't know a celeste. celeste from western financial solutions. hi celeste. now i've got a payment plan sendingin $2 a month over a period of 7

million years, i'm done. okay, now what you needto do is to differentiate between the characterswith contrasting voices. >> okay, great, thanks for coming in. >> i'm a star. >> so amy, i'm just gonna give youa line reading on this next part. now i'm buying health insurance. something called value options. but it's mostly this woman named shirley.

>> okay, soyou have psychological problems. >> well i just need a referral fora therapist in los angeles county. >> so it's not something you cantalk about with your friends? >> well i do, but they ask me to come out. and i'm like, well,i can't come out cuz i'm filthy. and they're like,why don't you take a shower? and i say no, it's on the inside. >> okay, so you crazy. >> i believe the clinical diagnosisis obsessive compulsive disorder.

>> you know what i do when i feel down? i too blessed to be stressed. but when i feel down,i go out and get my life on. you gonna go and see a comedy show? >> yes, i have, shirley. yes, i have. okay amy, just give it a shot.

bye. >> it's perfect. >> this is dr. sarah bamford auditioningfor the role of maria bamford, which i can play in my sleep. [laugh]>> and action. >> hi, this is maria bamford. i live by myself andhave no responsibilities and so therefore i think of no one else butmyself. and so i'm about to think aboutsomebody else besides myself but

then i go back to thinking about myself. yeah, me, me, me. [sound] the end. >> okay great sarah,little more enunciation. >> i'm dancing as fast as i can,martha graham. >> [sound] dr. joel bamfordauditioning for the role of blossom. >> with marilyn bamford directing. >> okay, and action. >> [noise]>> enunciate, joel.

you have a tendency to mumble. >> goddammit, marilyn,i don't know what i'm doing here. >> mom, you gotta let him create. >> [noise]>> dad, less joel, more blossom. let's do it again. >> i really gave everything on that take. >> fix it in post, sweetie. >> so, this is it. this is the last show.

we're driving back to los angeles. i'll be riding shotgun. >> [cough]>> [sound] okay. we're taking over your finalshow in a surprise episode. >> dad. >> surprise! >> you guys,i was gonna do something about- >> boring, i've already moved on. >> all you're friends are here.

here's your friend pastor dan. >> very deep thrusting blessings to you. >> pete patterson. >> hey, maria, what's your real voice? >> this is my real voice. >> no it isn't. >> yes it is. >> no, it isn't. >> okay, it isn't.

>> i knew it! >> your good pal kristy coombs. >> go, bye. >> amy sleeverson. >> you're leaving. >> i know. >> you don't like duluth and you hate us. >> no, i don't, i love duluth. >> i love you guys.

it's just that there's more work in la. >> janet joplin's in france. >> and your mommy moose. >> sweetie, i'm just worried inlos angeles cuz you sleep too much, honey. >> she's a comedian,she works two minutes a year. >> sweetie, you sleep 14 hours a day. >> are you done? >> well, no, i wanna keep on talking. >> hey!

>> basically, maria,this whole show you do, you're acting out your rage at our family. >> it's an homage. >> homage, fromage. >> if you think that i'm bossy,then tell me to my face. >> i think you're bossy. >> your whole show is i'm this poorsad sack who had a brain injury and has to live with my parents,which is not true. >> turn the camera off,let's get her out of here.

>> okay, this is so typical. >> turn the cameras off! [sound]>> nice hook. >> yeah, i've been doing pilateswith some rubber bands and an american girl doll in the basement. the truth is is that you're a fairlysuccessful comedian living in los angeles, very happy. you've never had a nervous breakdown. >> but i've been super depressed andi'm on meds.

>> 60 milligrams of cymbalta, that's maybe like the equivalent ofa frappuccino and a box of twizzlers. and guess who's saying all this stuff? you are. >> all these people are you! >> man. >> weirdo. >> and who is that? nobody was mean to you in high school.

you were the freaking winter frolic queen. >> these characters are my worst fears! >> that's a story you're telling yourself,james freak! >> okay girls, now break it up. >> better get going. >> sweetie,you'll think of another show idea, maybe just one where you'rejust being yourself. yeah, just being myself. >> okay, bye.

>> see ya later. patty duke me. pow, pow. >> i miss you already. i'm gonna get a pet pig. >> hm, bye-bye. >> sweetie, we love you to pieces. god speed. >> it turns people tostone just like medusa.

>> well, i'll take that. >> great, will it be a gift? >> no gift wrap then.