Tractor Supply Dog Shots

[melancholy music] [knocks] i'm going for a cup of tea.do you want one? [anxious]do you wanta cup of tea, withnail? (withnail)no. (marwood, off)13 million londonershave to wake up to this. and murderand all-bran and rape. i'm sittingin this bloody shackand can't cope with withnail. i must be outof my mind.

i must go homeat once and discusshis problems in depth. (withnail)i've some extremelydistressing news. (marwood)i don't wanna hear it.i don't wanna hear anything. my god! it's a nightmare.i tell you it's a nightmare. we've just run out of wine.what are we gonnado about it? [marwood, breathing heavily]i don't know.i don't know. [groaning]oh, god.i don't feel good. [panting]my thumbshave gone weird! i'm in the middleof a bloody overdose.

oh, god.[moans] my heart's beatinglike a fucked clock. i feel dreadful.i feel really dreadful. so do i.so does everybody. look at my tongue. it's wearing a yellow sock. sit down, for christ's sake.what's the matter with you? eat some sugar. listen to this."curse of the supermen.

i took drugsto win medals, saystop athlete jeff wode." where's the coffee? "in a world exclusiveinterview, 33 year oldshot putter, jeff wode, "who weighs 317 pounds,admitted taking massivedoses of anabolic steroids, "drugs banned in sport, "he used to get in badtempers and act daft,says his wife, "he used to pick on me,but now he's stopped. he's much betterin our sex lifeand our general life." jesus christ!

this huge thatchedhead with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. "jeff wodeis feeling better. "and is now preparedto step back into society and start tossinghis orb about." look at it!look at jeff wode. his head must weigh50 pounds on its own. i magine the sizeof his balls. i magine gettinginto a fight with the fucker.

please! i don't feel good. that's what you'd say. but that wouldn'twash with jeff. no. he'd like a bit of pleading.adds spice to it! i n fact, he'd probablytell you what he wasgonna do before he did it. "i'm gonna pullyour head off." "no, please,don't pull my head off." "i'm gonna pullyour head off becausei don't like your head ."

have you got some soup? why don't i get any soup? it's coffee.[sniffs] why don't you use a cuplike any other human being? why don't you wash upoccasionally like anyother human being? how dare you?how dare you, how dare youcall me inhumane? i didn't call you inhumane.you merely imagined that.calm down. right you fucker. i'mgonna do the washing up.

no, you can't.it's impossible. i swear to youi've looked into it.listen to me. listen to me! there are things in there.there is a teabag growing. you haven't slept in 60 hours,you're in no stateto tackle it. wait till the morning.we'll go in together. this is the morning.stand aside. you don't understand.i think there may besomething living in there. i think there maybe something alive. what do you mean?a rat?

it's possible.it's possible. then the fuckerwill rue the day. oh, christ almighty. sinew in nicotine base. keep back.keep back. the entire sink's gone rotten. i don't knowwhat's in here. (withnail)ah . ah! i told you.you've been bitten!

burnt. burnt. the fuckingkettle's on fire! there's somethingfloating up. fork it! no, i don't wanna touch it. you must! the poopwill bore throughthe glaze we'll never be ableto use the dinnerservice again. here, get it with the pliers. no, no. the gloves.get me the gloves. right. put on the gloves.

don't attempt anythingwithout the gloves. ugh. what is it?what have you found? matter. matter? where'sit coming from? don't come.don't look. i'm dealing with it. i think we've beenin here too long. i feel unusual.

i think we should go outside. this is ridiculous. look at me. i'm 30 in a monthand i've got a sole flappingoff my shoe. it will get better.it has to. easy for youto say, lovey. you've hadan audition . whycan't i have an audition? it's ridiculous.i've been to dramaschool, i'm good looking, i've a fuck sight moretalent than half the rubbishthat gets on television. why can't iget on television?

i don't know.it'll happen. will it?that's what you say. the only programi'm likely to get onis the fucking news. i tell you,i can't takemuch more of this. i'm gonna crack. i'm in the same boat. yeah . yeah. i feel as sickas a pike. i'm gonna haveto sit down.

you knowwhat we should do? i say, you knowwhat we should do? how can ipossibly knowwhat we should do? what should we do? get out of herefor a while, into the countryside,rejuvenate. rejuvenate? i'm in a parkand i'm practically dead. what good'sthe countryside? what time is it?

it's eight. four hoursto opening time. god help us. have we gotany embrocation? what for? to rub on us,you fool! we can cover ourselvesin deep heat and get upagainst the radiator. keep ourselvesalive till twelve. [spits]

jesus, look at that. apart froma raw potato that'sthe only solid thing to pass my lipsin the last 60 hours. i must be ill. (marwood, off)even a stopped clockgives the right timetwice a day. and for once i aminclined to believethat withnail is right. we are indeed driftinginto the arena of the unwell, making an enemyof our own future. what we need is harmony.

fresh airand stuff like that. wasn't much in the tube.there's nothing left for you. why don't you askyour father for some money? if we had some moneywe could go away. why don't you askyour father? how canit be so cold in here? it's like greenland in here. [panting]we've got to getsome booze. it's the only solutionfor this intense cold. something's got to be done.

we can't go on like this! i'm a trained actorreduced to the stateof a bum! look at us.nothing that reasonablemembers of society demand as their rights. no fridges,no televisions, no phones. m uch more of thisand i'm going to applyfor "meals on wheels." what happenedto your cigar commercial? that's what i want to know. what happened to my agent?the bastard must've died.

september. it'sa bad patch. rubbish! i haven'tseen gielgud downthe labour exchange. why doesn't he retire? oh, look at thislittle bastard. "boy lands plum rolefor top italian director."of course he does! probably on a tenner a day, and i know what for,two pounds ten for a tit and a fiver for his arse. have you beenat the controls?

what? the thermostats.what have you done to them? i haven't touched them. then why hasmy head gone numb? i must have some booze. i demand to have some booze! i wouldn't drink thatif i were you. why not? because idon't advise it.

even the wankerson the site wouldn'tdrink that. that's worse than meths. nonsense. this is farsuperior to meths. wankers don't drink itbecause they can'tafford it. [gasps]have you got any more?[chuckles] liar. what'sin your tool box? we have nothing.sit down. liar. you'vegot antifreeze. you bloody fool.you should nevermix your drinks.

[laughing hysterically] [withnail, vomiting] all right.this is the plan. we'll get in thereand get wrecked. then we'll eat a porkpie and drop a coupleof surmontil 50s each. means we'll miss out monday,but come up smilingtuesday morning. what's that appalling smell? perfume on my boots.i had to scrub themwith essence of petunia. two large gins.two pints of cider.ice in the cider.

if my father was loadedi'd ask him for some money. if yourfather was my fatheryou wouldn't get it. (barman)here lads. chin chin. oh. you knowwhat's his name? what about him? why don't yougive him a call? ask himabout his house?

you want me to callwhat's his name and askhim about his house? all right.what's his number? i've no idea,i've never met him. neither havei . who the fuck areyou talking about? your relative,with the housein the country. uncle monty? that's the one. get the jag fixed upand spend the weekin the country. all right. give usa tenner and i'llgive him a bell.

here, get a couplemore in. i'm going for a slash. ponce. [marwood, trembling, off]i could hardly pissstraight with fear. a man with threequarters of an inch of brainhad taken a dislike to me. what have i doneto offend him? i don't consciously offendbig men like this, he has a definiteimbalance of hormone in him. get any more masculinethan him you'd haveto live up a tree.

i fuck arses?who fucks arses? maybe he fucks arses. maybe he's writtenthis in some momentof drunken sincerity. i'm in considerabledanger in here. i mustget out of here at once. (big man)perfumed ponce! (withnail)you'll bepleased to hear monty'sinvited us for drinks. balls to monty.we're getting out. balls to monty?i've just spentan hour flattering the bugger. there's one overthere that doesn't likethe perfume. the big one.

don't look.we're in danger.we've got to get out. what areyou talking about? i've beencalled a ponce. what fucker said that? i called hima ponce. and now i'm callingyou one. ponce! would you likea drink? what's your name?mac fuck? i have a heart condition.

i have a heart condition.if you hit me, it's murder. i'll murderthe pair of you. (sobbing)my wife is having a baby. (withnail)listen, i don't knowwhat my acquaintancedid to upset you but it's nothingto do with me. i suggest you both go outsideand discuss it sensibly in the street. ah! out of myway, marwood!

(marwood, off)speed is like a dozentransatlantic flights withoutever getting off the plane. time change.you lose, you gain. makes no differenceas long as you keeptaking the pills. but sooner or lateryou've got to get outbecause it's crashing. and all at oncethose frozen hours meltthrough the nervous system and seep out the pores. (withnail)bastards. just to suck some miserablecheap cigar and the bastardswon't see me. why are we havinglunch in here?

it's dinnerand danny's here. danny? how did he get in? i let him inthis morning . he'slost one of his clogs. he's come in becauseof his perpetual cold. i hope tobaccosales plummet. i got yoursaveloy. here. i don't want it. then stick itin the soap trayand save it for later. don't vent spleen on me.i'm in the same boat.

stop saying that!you're not in the same boat. the only thing you're inthat i've been in isthis fucking bath. [slams] (marwood, off)danny's here. head hunter to his friends. head hunter to everybody.he doesn't have any friends. the only people he converseswith are his clients and occasionally, the police. the purveyor of rare herbsand prescribed chemicalsis back.

will we never be set free? danny. (danny)you're lookingvery beautiful, man.have you been away? st. peter preachedthe epistles to the apostleslooking like that. have you got any food? hm . as a matter a facti've got a saveloy. [sniffs]how much is it? you can have itfor nothing. you're wearing a suit.

what's it gottado with you? (danny)no need to get uptight,man . i was merely makingan observation. i happened to belooking for a suit forthe coal-man two weeks ago. for reasons i can'treally discuss with you. the coal-man had to goto jamaica, got bustedcoming back through heathrow. had a weightunder his fez. we worked out that itwould be handy karmafor him to get hold of a suit but he's a verylow temperaturespade, the coal-man. goes into courtin his kaftanand a bell.[sucks]

[coughs]this doesn't godown at all well. they can handlethe kaftan . theycan't handle the bell. so there's this judgesitting there in a capelike fucking batman with thisfar out looking hat-- (withnail)wig. no, man . this wasmore like a long white hat. so he looksat the coal-manand says, "what's all this?this is a courtroom. this ain't fancy dress?"

and the coal-manlooks at him and says, "you think you look normal,your honor?" the cunt gives him two years. [chuckles] i'm afraid i can't offeryou gentlemen anything. (marwood)that's all right, danny.we decided to lay offfor a bit. that's what i thought.except for personal use,i concur with you. as a matter of fact,i'm considering retiringand going into business. doing what?

the toy industry. i thought you werein the bottle industry. no, man . that's a sideline. you can have that. i nstructions are included. yeah, my partner'sgot a really goodidea for making dolls. his name's presuming ed. his sister gave him the idea.she's got a doll on christmaswhat pisses itself. really?

then you gotta changeits drawers for it. it's horrible,really but they likethat, the little girls. so we're gonna make onethat shits itself as well. shits itself? he's an expert.he's buildingthe prototype now. why is he behavingso up-tightly? because a gang of cherootvendors considered a haircut beyond the limitof my abilities. i don't advisea haircut, man.

all hairdressersare in the employmentof the government. hair are your aerials,they pick up signalsfrom the cosmos and transmit themdirectly into the brain. this is the reasonbald-headed men are uptight. what absolute twaddle. has he just been busted? no. then why is he wearingthat old suit? old suit?

this suit was cutby hawkes of saville row. just because the besttailoring you've seen is aboveyour fucking appendixdoesn't mean anything. don't get uptightwith me. 'cause if you do,i'll have to give youa dose of medicine. and if i spike you,you'll know you'vebeen spoken to. you wouldn't spike me.you're too mean. besides, there's nothinginvented i couldn't take. if i medicined you,you'd think a brain tumorwas a birthday present.

i could take doubleanything you could. very, veryfoolish words, man. (marwood)he's right, withnail. look at him.his mechanism's gone. he's had moredrugs than you'vehad hot dinners. i'm not havingthis shag-sackinsulting me. let him gethis drugs out. this dollis extremely dangerous. it has voo-doo qualities.

[sniggers] trade phenodihydrochloridebenzorex. street. the embalmer. balls. i'll swallow itand run a mile. cool your boots, man. this pill's valuedat two quid. two quid!you're out of your mind. that's sense, withnail. you can stuff it upyour arse for nothing

and fuck offwhile you're doing it. no need to insult me, man. i was leaving anyway. have either of yougot shoes? [distant bell tolling] monty's car. [piano music from inside] well, hello. come in.

[cheerful classicpiano music] sit down, do. would youlike a drink? sherry. sherry? do youlike vegetables? i've always beenfond of root but i've only startedto grow last summer. i happen to thinkthe cauliflower morebeautiful than the rose.

do you grow-- geraniums. oh, youlittle traitors. i thinkthe carrot infinitelymore fascinating than the geranium. hm . the carrothas mystery. flowers areessentially tarts. prostitutes forthe bees. there is,you will agree,a certain "je nes c'cst quoi"

oh, so veryspecial abouta firm young carrot-- hm . excuse me. do help yourselvesto another drink. what's all this?the man's mad! eccentric. eccentric? he's insane. not only that,he's a raving homosexual. [cat growls] (monty)beastly little parasite!

how dare you?you little thug.how dare you? [growling]beastly, ungratefullittle swine. shall i getyou a drink, monty? yes, please,dear boy. you can prepareme a small rhesusnegative bloody mary. you must tell meall the news. i haven't seenyou since you'vefinished the last film. rather busy, uncle.tv and stuff. my agent's attemptingto edge me

towards theroyal shakespearecompany again. he's just hadan audition for rep. oh, splendid.so you're a thespian, too? monty used to act. oh, i'd hardly say that. it's true, i creptthe boards in my youth, but i never reallyhad it in my blood and that's what'sso essential, isn't it?theatrical zeal in the veins? aias, i have a littlemore than vintage wineand memories.

it is the most shatteringexperience of a youngman's life when one morning he awakesand quite reasonablysays to himself, i will never play the dane. when that moment comes one's ambition ceases. don't you agree? it's a part i intendto play, uncle. and it'll be marvelous. marvelous.

it's gone. we do it wrongbeing so majestical to offer itto the show of violence. let's get out of here.he's a madman. he's gonna rush outand get into his tights. okay. gimme a minute. the house or out. (withnail)could i have a wordwith you, monty? (monty)oh, forgive me,dear boy,

i was allowing memoryto have the better of me. (withnail)shall i get youa drink, monty? oh, thank you. (monty)indeed i remembermy first agent. raymond duck. he was a dreadfullittle israelite. four floors upon the charing cross road and never a jobon the top of them. i'm toldyou're a writer, too.

(monty)do you write poems? no, i wish i could.it's just thoughts, really. are you published? oh, no. where did you school? he went to the otherplace, monty. oh, he went to eton. [meows] get that damnedswine out of here.

it's time to get itselfin with you . it's tryingfor even more advantage. it's obsessed with its gut.it's like a bloody rugbyball now. it will die.it will die! monty, monty. no, no, dear boy.you must leave.you must leave. yet again that oafhas destroyed my day. listen . can i havejust a quick wordwith you? oh, very well. good night, my dears.

good night, monty. what all this going offin private business? why did you sayi went to eton? because it helped. i was establishing youin a context he'd understand. what do you mean by that? i mean, free to thosethat can afford it, and veryexpensive to those who can't. [rock music] scrubbers!

(girls)up yours, granddad! (withnail)scrubbers! (marwood)shut up. little tarts.they love it. i'm tryingto drive this thingas quietly as possible. if you don't shut upwe'll get stoppedby the police. (marwood)give me the bottle. (withnail)look at that!look at that!"accident black spots." these aren't accidents,they're throwing themselvesinto the road! gladly!

throwing themselvesinto this road to escapeall this hideousness, throw yourselfinto the road, darling.you haven't got a chance. (withnail)at some point or anotheri wanna stop and get holdof a child. (marwood)what do you wanta child for? to tutor it in the wayof righteousness, and procuresome uncontaminated urine. this is a deviceenabling the drunken driverto operate in absolute safety. you fill this with piss,take this pipe downto the trouser and sellotape this valveto the end of the old chap.

then you get horriblydrunk and they can'tfucking touch you. according to theseinstructions, you refuseeverything but a urine sample. you undo your valve, and give them a doseof unadulteratedchild's piss. and they have to giveyou your keys back. danny's a genius. i'm gonna have a dose. are we there? no, we're not.

we're here, in the middleof a fucking gale. you'll have to keepa lookout your side. if you see anythingtell me. and get holdof that map. where's the whiskey? i got a bastardbehind the eyes. i can't take aspirinswithout a drink. where's the aspirins? probably in the bathroom. and we've come out here

in the middle of fuckingnowhere without aspirins? where are we? how should i know?i feel like a pigshat on my head. well, get holdof that map and look for a placecalled "crow crag ." (withnail)there mustand shall be aspirin (marwood)give me the keyand get out of the way. if i don'tget aspirin i shall die here,on this fuckingmountainside.

[door creaks] [howling wind] [slams door] christ almighty! (marwood)monty? what are you doing? sitting downto enjoy my holiday. right. now we're goingto have to approachthis scientifically. first thingwe've got to dois get this fire alight.

then we'll splitinto two factfinding groups. i'll dealwith the waterand other plumbings. you can check the fueland wood situation. what's that? fuel and wood situation. there's nothing outthere except a hurricane. this placeis uninhabitable. give it a chance.it's gotta warm up. warm up? we may as wellsit around a cigarette.

this is ridiculous.we'll be found deadin here next spring. i've got a blindingfucking headache. i must have heat. [smash] (withnail)we've got to keepthis bastard burning. well, we've got enoughfurniture for tonight. tomorrow we get downthat farm and get some logs. all this is a mistake.i tell you . this isa dreadful mistake. [birds chirping]

[knocks, dogs bark] (woman)who's there? me. what do you want? i'm a friendof montague withnail. he's lent us his cottage. i wondered if you couldsell us some food. eggs and things? what about wood and coal?

i'm not from london,you know. i don't care whereyou come from! (marwood, off)not the attitudei've been given to expect from the h. e. batesnovel i'd read. i thought they'dall be in the back, drinking ciderand discussing butter. [sheep bleat] clearly a myth.evidently, country people are no more receptiveto strangers thancity dwellers.

do you think you couldtell me where i couldbuy some coal and wood? (lady)you'll have to seeme son . he runsthis farm. where is your son? up in top fields.you can't miss him. his leg'sbound in polythene. [thud]ah! withnail, you bastard.wake up! oi! wake up you bastard!you gotta get wood. [washing]

jesus, you'recovered in shit. i tried to getfuel and wood. there's a miserablelittle pensioner down there. she wouldn't give it to me. where are wegonna get it then? there's a manon the mountain, why he's up there.fuck knows. but he's up there with a legbound in polythene. you can'tmiss him . he's your man. and have anotherlook in that shed.find anything.

if you can't find anything,bring in the shed. how comemonty owns sucha horrible little shack? i've no idea. never discuss yourfamily, do you? i fail to seemy family is of anyinterest to you. i have absolutelyno interest in yours. i dislikerelatives in generaland my own in particular. why? because, i'vetold you why.

we're incompatible. they don't like mebeing on stage. then they must bedelighted with your career. what do you mean? you rarely are. you just wait.just you wait. when i strike,they won't knowwhat hit them. there's a tractor approaching. get after him.that's the man.

[lively music] hey, stop! stop! (marwood)stop, please! stop, please!please, stop! please, stop. (withnail)are you the farmer? (marwood)shut up.i'll deal with this. we've goneon holiday by mistake.

we're in this cottage here.are you the farmer? stop saying that,withnail . of coursehe's the fucking farmer! we're friendsof montague withnail. we desperatelyneed fuel and wood. montague withnail. you must knowhim . fat man,owns the cottage. i seen a fat man.london type. queer sort. i think his name'sfrench or summit. french?

aye, adrien de la touche.but he ain't been herefor a couple of years. last time i saw himhe were with his son. yeah, that's him. we're bona fide.we're not from london. could we have somefuel and wood? i could bringsome logs later, i've got the cowsto feed first. when? shut up!that would bevery nice of you.

do you thinkyou could sell ussomething to eat? i could bring you a chicken,but you should goto the village. that would bevery kind, m r-- parkin. what happenedto your leg? got mea randy bull up there.give me one in knee. [whistling] (marwood)you wanna get outthe back, don't you? get some spuds up?

sorry, i can't.my boots arein the oven. you'd go outif you had boots? gladly. i've got one! great! how muchdo we owe you? er, pay us whenyou come down. what aboutthis chicken? it's on back. oi.

parkin's been.there's the supper. what are we supposedto do with that? eat it. eat it?the fucker's alive! i know that.you've got to kill it. i'm the fire lighterand fuel collector. i know thatbut i got the logs in. it takes awayyour appetitelooking at it. no it doesn't.i'm starving . howcan we make it die?

you haveto throttle them. i think you shouldstrangle it instantly, in case it triesto make friendswith us. all right. get holdof it. you hold it downand i'll strangle it. i can't. it's gotdreadful beady eyes.they stare you out. it's a bloody chicken.just think of it with baconacross its back. all right.i'll deal with this. you'll have to getits guts out. never point guns at people.it's extremely dangerous.

what about this roastingdish? what are wegonna cook it in? you're the food man.i've no idea. i wish i'd found thisan hour ago. i'd have taken greatpleasure in gunninghis gullet down. shouldn't it be morebald than that? no, it shouldn't. all right.we're gonna haveto reverse the roles. we'll bakethe potatoesin the oven. and we can boilthis bastardover the fire.

let's getits feet off. no, it's gonnaneed its feet. it canstand with its legseither side of that. i've already puta two shillingpiece in. no, i haven'tgot another. well, it's not myfault if the systemdoesn't work. the bitch hung up on me. (withnail)hello. how are you?very well.

a what? why wouldn'tthey see me? i haven't been fora job in three months. understudy constantine?i'm not gonna understudyconstantine, why can'ti play the part? no, i'm not in london.penrith . penrith! what about tv? listen, i pay you10 percent to do that. well, then lick 10 percentof the asses for me then.

hello? hello? how dare you?fuck you! [kicks and bangs] bastard asked meto understudy constantinein the "sea gull ." i'm not gonnaunderstudy anybody. specially thatlittle pimp. anyway, i loathethose russian plays. always full of womenstaring out of windows, whining about ducksgoing to moscow.

what do you thinkof desmond wolfe? i n respect of what? i'm thinkingof changing my name. it's too likedonald wolfitt. change over point. [tractor engine] do you think he'shappier than us? i suppose happinessis relative. but i never thoughtit would be a polythenebag without a hole in it.

hey! what's the matterwith him? shut the gate!shut the gate! you didn't shut the gate. [bellowing] (parkin)stop that bull! grab its ring.keep your bag up. (withnail)out vibe it. [panting]hey! show no fear.just run at it.

that can't be sensible,the bastard's aboutto run at me! he's randy. i know! he wants to have sexwith those cows. shut up, withnail! run at it shouting! do as he says.start shouting. [snorts] it won't gore you.

a coward you are,and expert on bulls,you are not. [bull grunts] [marwood continues shouting] [bellows] shut that gateand keep it shut! [bull bellows] i think you needan evening at the crow. (marwood, off)if the crow and crownever had life, it wasdead now. it was like walkinginto a lung.

a sulfur stainedand nicotine yellow and fly blown lung. it's landlordwas a retired alcoholicwith military pretensions and a complexionlike the inside of a teapot. by the time the doors opened,he was arseholed on rum, and then got progressivelymore arseholed 'till he couldtake no more and fell overabout twelve o'clock. we'll haveanother pairof large scotches. [ring]oh!

thought i was goingfor a minute. no man'sput me down yet. have you had any trainingin the martial arts? yes, as a matterof fact, i have. before ibecame a journalisti was in the territorials. do you know,when you firstcame in here, i knew you werea services man. you can never,never disguise it. what were you in?

tanks. africa corps. a littlebefore your time. don't supposed you'veengaged, have you? i reland. oh, a crackat the m ick. these shall bemy pleasure. what eh, are youdoing up here then? (withnail)we're doing a featurefor country life.

a surveyof rural types. you know,cheers, eh, farmers,travelling tinkers, milkmen and thatsort of thing. have you, eh, met jake? poacher. works the lake. but, eh, keep itunder your hat. what's all thisarmy bullocks? we got a drink,didn't we?

time, gentlemen. i think he means it. [whispering]ask him if wecan have one. so we can eat it.we're fed upwith stew. excuse me. couldwe have an eel? you've got eelsdown your leg. you leave them alone. nothing down thereof interest to you. help us out, raymond.

these have been fedfrom asshole to beak. what aboutone of those pheasants? go on . ask him. excuse me. we were wonderingif we could purchasea pheasant off of you. no. i've got nothing to sell. come on, old boy.what's in your hump? now look you, thempheasants are for his pot. these eels are for my pot.why should i give yousomething for your pot?

what pot? our cooking pot. ah . he knows. hey. give usa wheeze on that fag. i might come and seeyou lads in the week. i might fetchyou up a rabbit. we don't want a rabbit.we want a pheasant. listen, you young prat,i ain't got no pheasants. ain't got no birds,no more than you have.

of course you have.you're the poacher. if i hear more wordsout of you, i'll put one of thesehere black pods on you. don't threaten mewith a dead fish. half dead he may be. but i'll come up after youand i'll wake you upwith a live one. sod your pheasants.you'll have to findus first. i know where you are.you're at crow craig. i've been watching you.

especially you,prancing like a tit. you want working on, boy. (withnail)fancy that silage heaphanging around up here. i'll takethe bastard axe to him! bastards! you'll all suffer! i'll show the lot of you! [at the top of his voice]i'm gonna be a star! [echoing]

vvegetables again?we'll sprout fuckingfeelers soon, must be 20,000sheep out thereon those volcanoes and we've gota plateful of carrots. there's blackpuddings in it. black puddingsare no good to us. i want something's flesh. [gunshot]ah! look! come here.down here, look. under the rock.look, i can see it.

here, look. look. here. there'stwo of them . look. come on . come on. i think i'll callmyself donald twain. [whispers]stop. down. [whispers]it's him.what does he want? we'd better ask him. don't be a fool.he's got a gun.bastard's psychotic.

you've onlygot to look at him. (withnail)this placehas become impossible. perpetual rain.freezing cold. and now a bloody madmanon the prowl outsidewith eels. (marwood)all right. you'vemade your point. we'll pack upand get out tomorrow. you can't.i can't get my bootson when they're hot. i'll go alone. you're not leavingme in here alone.

those are the kindof windows faceslook in at. then i won'thave a slash. i think we shouldsleep together tonight. don't be ridiculous.he won't come herein the dark. if he comes hereand catches oneof us unawares he's gota much better chanceof dealing with the other. no.[slams door] what's the matterwith you? what are youlaughing at?

i was dreaming.what do you want? you've frightened the pissout of me. move over,i'm getting in. i'll have to sleepin your bed. i'll comewith you then. will you get out? then i will. all right.you can stay butthe gun doesn't. no. i intendto keep awaketill morning. this is my bed.i demand precedence.

no! [gunshots] you fucking bastard! [smashing glass] [muffled]get out. fuck you.fuck off. sh! listen. there's nothing!get to bed. [whispers]i heard a noise. i must get in.

oh, for fuck's sake. [noise]what was that? that's it! what is it? it's the maniac. it's probably foxeslooking for grub. listen. maybe it's the farmer. at two o'clockin the morning?

it's the killer.he's come to kill us. what are we gonna do? [noise] [gasps]he want to get in,he's trying to get in. he can't.he'll go away. he's going away. [silence] this is all your fault.you've even given himthe fucking gun. [glass crashing]

he's comingthrough the window.he's getting in. gimme the matches. downstairs. he's in. he's sharpeninga fucking knife. i think we'llhave to tackle him. stay in bed and pretendto be asleep. when he goes for youi'll jump on his back. no, it'll be too late.i'll be knifedby then.

we'll have to tryand make friendswith him. [creaking footsteps] he's goinginto your room. it's you he wants. offer him yourself. [moans]we mean no harm. (monty)oh, my boys,my boys, forgive me. monty. monty. monty, you terrible cunt!

forgive me. it wasinconsiderate of menot to have telegrammed. what are youdoing, prowling aroundin the fucking night? well, i had a punctured tire.i had to wait an aeonfor assistance. i'm sorryif i frightened you. i should have knocked, but,i'll, i'll sleep in the otherroom, if i may. anywhere you like. eh, yes, well eh,good night. ah, good morning.sieep well? hm.

uh, eh, i do apologizefor last night. it was perfectlyinconsiderate of me. it's all right.you've been busyin here. as a bee. how did yourepair the window? oh, i didn't break it.merely forced it a little. sorry if i frightened you, there was an emptywine bottle on the ledge. uh, tomatoes.

yes? (monty)why don't you goand wake him? breakfast in 15 minutes. the old order changeth, yielding place to new. and god fulfills himselfin many ways. and soon, i suppose, i shall be swept awayby some vulgar little tumor.

oh, my boys, my boys, we're at the end of an age. we live in a landof weather forecasts breakfasts that "set in ." shat on by tories,shovelled upby labour. and here we are.we three. perhaps the lastisland of beauty in the world . now, which of you is goingto be a splendid fellow

and go down to the rollsfor the rest of the things? (both)i will! i'd better go.i want to see aboutdigging the car out. but we have my car. yes, but if it rains,we're buggered.i mean-- stranded! we'll leavethe car till later.leave this to me. i'm coming,i fancy a walk. no, i hear you'rea wizard in the kitchen

i shall need youto work on the joint. yeah, you're the cook. (monty)uh, what on earthare those? we forgot to bringour wellingtons. oh, how dreadful . you've beenup here in this beastly mudand oomska without them? this afternooni'm going to takeyou both into penrith and get you fitted with good qualityrubber boots. garlic, rosemaryand salt.

i brought two of thesein case you were goodin the kitchen. i'm not. of course youare. cooking's oneof the natural instincts. listen, monty.this is all verykind of you, but-- i think i ought to begetting some workdone on the car. you haven't time.luncheon's at three. we have to leave by three. leave? oh, didn't he tell you?we have to get backto sign on.

sign on?at a labour exchange? yeah . it's sortof fashionable, actually. all the actors do.even redgrave. but surely you could foregofor just this one occasion? i've come a very long wayto see you both. can't actually, i mean-- i'd love to stay.but he's more adamantto get back than i am. then we must chooseour moment and have a wordwith him.

i'm sure togetherwe could persuade him. there, now. garlic, rosemary and salt. i can never touch meatuntil it's cooked. as a youth, i used to weepin butcher's shops. i can't find the rosemary. (monty)i can't findthe rosemary. i'm sure we canfind it together. perhaps it'sin the other bag?

perhaps it is.shall we look? sorry, sherry'sin there. what do youmean, "sorry?" what's going on?what's he doing? we can't stay.he won't leaveme alone. (withnail)all right.we'll get the lunchdone and we'll leave. i'm afraid we mustdrink from these. i trust their shapeswill not offendyour palates. to a delightfulweekend in the country.

(monty)i do thinkyou could have shaved. what on earth will peoplethink of me turning upwith you two? you look likea pair of farm-hands. this is most embarrassing. get awayfrom the car. buy the wellingtons. i'm going to goand buy some razorsand shaving soap. i'll see you over therein half an hour. pair of blues.

one each. i think a drink,don't you? what aboutthe wellingtons? oh, bullocksto the wellingtons. we'll tell him they hada farmer's conferenceand had a run on them. okay. yeah.phone me, bye. hasn't heard a thing.apparently, they'restill seeing people. you don't wanna goto manchester anyway. piay a bloody soldier?

i dammed well do.it's a bloody goodlittle theater. that's not muchof a part, though. it's betterthan nothing. they'd make youcut your hair off. so what?you'd lose a leg. time, gents, please. we're gonna haveto work quickly. a pair of quadruplewhiskeys and anotherpair of pints, please. where is he?i'm utterly arseholed.

we're early. we wanna getin there, don't we? eat some cake,soak up the booze. all right here? cake. allright here? (lady)no, we're closingin a minute. we're leavingin a minute. we wantcake and tea. (man)didn't you hear?she said she's closed.

what do youwant in here? cake. what's it gotto do with you? i happen to bethe proprietor.now, would you leave? ah, i'm gladyou're the proprietor. i was gonna have to havea word with you anyway. we're workingon a film up here. locations, see. we might wannado a film in here. you're drunk.

just bring outthe cakes. cake and fine wine. if you don't leave,we'll call the police. balls! we wantthe finest winesavailable to humanity. we want them here,and we want them now! (man)miss blenehassitt,telephone the police. all right.m iss bienehassitt, i'm warning you.if you do, you're fired. we're multimillionaires.

we shall buythis place and fireyou immediately. yes, we'llbuy this place. and we'll installa fucking juke boxin here [chuckles]to liven all youstiffs up a bit. the police,m iss bienehassitt. just say there area couple of drunksin the penrith tea rooms and we wantthem removed. we are not drunks.we are multimillionaires. hurry up, mabs.we'll keep themhere until they arrive.

you won't keepus anywhere. we'll buy this placeand have it knocked down. all right.it's all right. (miss blenehassitt)police, please. our car's arrived. we'll be back. we're comingback in here. [marwood, chuckles] where is he?

he's sulkingup the hill. he says hewon't come for lunchwithout and apology. suits me.he can eathis fucking radishes. it's all your fault. you lead him astray. i beg your pardon, monty? don't tell me you're notaware of it. i know whatyou're up to and so do you. sherry? oh, dear,no, no. i'd be suckedinto his trap.

(monty)one of ushas got to stay on guard. he's so mauve.we don't knowwhat he's planning. i'm preparingmyself to forgive you. i think you've beenpunished enough. i think we'dbetter releaseyou from the legumes and transfer yourtalents to the meat. you shouldn't treateach other so badly. this boy's been out therefrozen to the marrow, and you just sitin here, drinking.

now comealong, he's goingto revitalize himself and you're goingto finish the vegetables. i don't knowhow to do them. of course you don't.you're incapable of indulgingin anything butpleasure, am i not right? you don't deservesuch loyalty. now come along.i'm going to teach youhow to peel a potato. isn't it stimulating,getting back to a basicsort of life for a while? yes.

surrounded by treesand nature, one feels a gloriousstirring of the senses. a rejectionof poisonous inhibition and a fecundmotion of the soul. except of coursethe problems tend to takethe edge off the pleasure. i mean, with noproper facilities. all the glorioustrials of youth,dear boy. when i was a lad,i'd rocket off on mytandem with wrigglesworth and we'd justride and ride.

and at nightwe'd find somebarn and fall asleep with the perfumesof nature sighingon our skin. would it be in badform to plagiarizea toast? it depends entirelyon the qualityof the wine. i n this instance,it most certainlywould not. i n that case,to a delightfulweekend in the country. (monty)oh, splendid. we expecteda volley of argumentconcerning m r. redgrave. you're forgettingabout jake.

not another word.not another word.jake can wait too. jake isn't a friend. i hoped to avoidtelling you this but there's a psychoticon the prowl outsidethis house. ask him if i exaggerate. he's threatened usand he's dangerous. is this true? well, there's this localtype hanging about. a poacher. got into a tiffand he threatened mewith a dead fish.

yes, it was ratheramusing, actually, when you came inwe thought it was him. and we thought you,cleaning your boots, was him,sharpening his knife. [laughs] oh, how delicious. more meat? no, thank you.i'm going for a walk. oh, wait for usto finish, dear boy,and we'll all go.

listen, i knowwhat you're thinking,but i had no alternative. the old bugger'scome a long way i didn't wantto put the wind up him. your sensitivityoverwhelms me. if you think you're gonnahave a weekend's indulgenceup here at his expense which meansat my expense, you've got anotherthing coming. we'll leave first thingtomorrow morning. what about tonight?

he won't try anything. of course he is!he means business. he sentme out to tell youthat the coffee's ready. i couldn't drinkit. i have a crampin the mouth from grinning. well, stop smiling at him. i can't help it.i'm so uptight with himi can't stop myself. (monty)laisse-moi respirer. longtemps, longtempsi'odeur de tes cheveux. ah, baudelaire.

brings back suchmemories of oxford. oh, oxford. (marwood, off)followed by yet anotheranecdote about hissensitive crimes in a punt with a chapcalled norman who had red hairand a book of poetry stained with the butterdrips from crumpets. (monty)i often wonderwhere norman is now. probably winteringwith his mother in guildford. a cat in the rain.

vim under the sink.and both bars on. but old, now. old. there can be no truebeauty without decay. (withnail)a requiem for england. how right you are.how right you are. we live in a kingdomof rains, where royaltycomes in gangs. come on, lads, let'sget home. the sky'sbeginning to bruise. night must fall,and we shall beforced to camp.

he's having my room.that's the condition. i want the roomwith the lock.agree to that, i'm off. all right.all right. (marwood, whispering)oh, good ol' jake, eh?i told you. he's back and that'sprecisely the reasoni'm off to london. let's all have a goodlaugh, eh, withnail? good old jake, eh,he's back! he's going away.he's leaving.

come on, let's pack up.we'll get out of herebefore it gets dark. "here hare here." here hare here. good old jake. (monty)ace best.ace best. two. and it's over to you. your two and up two. (marwood)so that's four. that's four.

four. (monty)ace will payfor the raise and see you two. now the last card. nonne sdus cedetur. reginae servandae defit. [monty chuckles]and, oh! [both chuckle] and there she is!

well, it's the twoqueens to bet. [piano music] another hand? i think we'd betterget him to bed. no, no.he's down here. you're in myroom, i'm in his roomand he's down here. no, i wouldn't dreamof depriving the dearfellow of his bed especially in that condition. but it's agreed.it's what he wants.

no, i don't.i want to get to bed. all right, then, lovey.let's get you to bed. early night'iido us both good. night nightthen, monty. (withnail)i wanna be alone. i wanna be alone. [locking] i think he'd bettersleep alone tonight. he doesn't wantto sleep with you.

well, you're in there. and i'll take theseand i'll have the couch. i'll say goodnight,then, monty. you already have. twice. [door opens] what is it, monty?i'm terribly tired.i need to go to sleep. but notthat tired, eh? are you a spongeor a stone?

do you like to experienceall facets of life or do you shut yourselfoff from new experience? i voted conservative. are you faithful? to whom? faithfulness isn't selective. i agree. it's a questionof selecting to whomone will be faithful. have you selected it? i'm terribly tired.

i've been watchingyou all evening. you've beenavoiding my eyes,haven't you? your eyes? at luncheonyou couldn't tearyour gaze from mine, this evening youbarely looked at me. what did he say to you? nothing. you can tell me. i assure you, nothing.i'm terribly tired.

i need to go to bed. yes, yes. you must.mustn't you? off you go then.i'll sleep here. it won't be the first timei've been left with the couch. [opens door] boy. boy, i know you'renot asleep, boy. but he is.

i've been to his room. [panting]he won't hear a thing. no, i'm not. why is it, monty?what do you want? i had to come.i tried not to. oh, how i tried not to. listen, there's somethingi have to explain to you. don't explain.he's told me everything. he told mewhen you came to chelsea.

what did he tell you? he told me about your arrestin the tottenham court road. he told meabout your problems. how you feel.your desires. what problems? you are a "toilet trader." he told you that? you mustn't blame him.you mustn't blame yourself. i know how you feeland how difficult it is.

you mustn't hold backand let it ruin your youth as i nearly did over eric. it's like a tide,give in to it, boy. go with it.it's society'scrime, not ours. i'm not homosexual. yes, you are.of course you are. you're simplyblackmailing your emotions to avoid the realitiesof your relationship. you love him.

and it's not his faulthe can't love you anymore than it's mine that i adore you. couldn't we allowourselves this momentof indiscretion? he need never know. i don't carewhat he knows.you've gotta go. if you want to humiliateme, humiliate me.i adore you. tell him if you must.i no longer care. i mean to have youeven if it mustmean burglary. it's not me, it's him.

he lied to you.we're an affair. we have been for years. but he doesn't wantyou or anybody to know. we're both in it.we're obsessedwith each other. but he's ashamed,he refuses to come outand accept what he is. that's whyhe's rejectingme while you're here. on my life, monty,this is the first night we haven't slepttogether for six years. i can't cheat on him.it would kill him.

he told me youwere in purgatorybecause he couldn't love you. he's lying, lying! oh, my dear boy.[sniffs] had i known that i'dhave never attemptedto come between you. i know that.i respect youfor your sensitivity. i thank you for it.but you must leave. you'd better go to him. i intend to.this instant. [snoring]

(marwood)withnail, you bastard,wake up. wake up, you bastard.or i'll burn this bastardbed down. i deny all accusations.what do you want? i've just narrowly avoidedhaving a buggering. i've comewith the intention of wishing one on you.having said that, i now intendto leave for london. hold on . don't let yourimagination run awaywith you. i magination! i just finishedfighting a naked man.

how dare you tell himi'm a "toilet trader?" it was a tactical necessity.if i hadn't told himyou were active we would have nevergot the cottage. i'd never have wanted it.not with him in it. [coughs] i never thoughthe'd come all this way. monty? he'd goto new york. a calculated risk. what "tactical necessity"and "calculated risk"?

this is me,naked, in a corner. and how dare youtell him i love you? and how dare you tellhim you rejected me? how dare you tell him that? sorry about that.i got a bit carried away i sort of said itwithout thinking. well, let me tellyou something. if he comes into myroom again, it's murder. and you will be heldresponsible in law.

(marwood)"perhaps it is appropriatejustice for the eavesdropper "that he should leaveas his trade determines, "in secrecy, "and in the deadof the night. "i do sincerelyhope that you willfind the happiness "which alas has alwaysbeen denied to me. "i am, yoursever faithfully, montague h . withnail ." poor old bastard.

i would say, that that representsa degree of hypocrisy i have hitherto suspectedin you, but not noticed dueto highly evasive skills. christ, withnail. you'll suffer for this.what you've done willhave to be paid for. i'll say one thingfor monty, he keepsa sensational cellar. [knocking] [thunder]

who's there? (man)telegram. well done. well, it doesn't meanto say i've got it. probably just wantto see me again. well, that settles it then.we'll leave immediately. get your kit together.we're leaving in halfan hour. half an hour?don't be ridiculous. i need at leastan hour for lunch.

you've got a truckcoming up. about 200 yards. followed by a leftslow-hander. oh, this is insanity,i' can't keep this up. change lane.bear right.bear right. what lane? i've notseen a fucking lane. (withnail)bear right!bear right!bear right! [honking] right, that's it.

next garage i'vegot to do somethingabout that wiper. and i've gotto get some sleep. what's going on? i'm making time. [hard rock music] [brakes screeching] (marwood)are you out of your mind? pull over.you haven't got a license. no. i'm making time.

we're approaching london. here comes another fucker. it's perfectly all right.leave them to me. you're full of scotch,you silly tool. a bit early in the morningfor festivities, isn't it? these aren't mine.they belong to him. i assure youi'm not, officer. honestly. i've onlyhad a few ales. out of the car.

please? sir? i want youto take one deepbreath and fill this bag. are you refusingto fill this bag? i most certainly am. i'm placing youunder arrest. don't be ridiculous.i haven't done anything. look here,my cousin's a q.c. [shrill]get in the backof the van!

[mumbles] where's our checks? we didn't sign on. that wouldn'tmake any differenceto last week's payment. [music from insidethe room] what are you doingin my bed? (danny)i've been asleep. who is the huge spadein the bath? presuming ed.

now you got10 minutes. i want you out,'cause i wanna get-- 10 minutes and you'dbetter be on your feet. how did you get in? i ngenuity, man.come up the drainpipe. would you like a smoke? no, thanks,i've got a call to make. what are you gonnado with those? the joint i'mabout to rollrequires a craftsman.

it can utiliseup to 12 skins. it's called"camberwell carrot." it's impossibleto use 12 papersin one joint. it's impossible to makea "camberwell carrot"with anything less. who says it'sa "camberwell carrot?" i do. i invented itin camberwell and it lookslike a carrot. do yourealise this gaff'sover run with rodents? when i came ini saw one the sizeof a fucking dog.

it is a dog, belongsto the fellow downstairs. does his dogget in the oven? no, his dog doesn'tcome up here. then it was a rodent.opened the oven door and it was in therelooking at me. quite freaked meat the time. i was gonna cook onions. are you going to bed now? no. phone.

who's he gotto telephone? "squat betty." his agent. but he's wastinghis time becausehe won't be in. this'll tendto make you very high. this grassis the most powerfulin the western hemisphere. i have it speciallyflown in from myman in mexico. he's an expert. his name is juan. this grass growsat exactly 2,000feet above sea level.

did you getthe part, man? i got a different one. [coughs]they want meto play the lead. congratulations. (danny)where exactlyhave you two been? holiday in the countryside. (danny)that's a very good idea. london is a countrycoming down from its trip. we are 91 daysfrom the end of this decade

and there's gonna bea lot of refugees. [all chuckle] they'll be goinground this town shouting"bring out your dead ." there was a geezerround here the otherday looking for you. what geezer? some bald geezer. reckons you owehim 266 quid back rent. i told him there's noquestion of paying rent ona property cut with rodents. he takes exception to this

and starts coming onreally bald with me. what do youmean, "ratty?" i told himto piss off. bloody fool . he'll haveus up in court again. (danny)no he won't.it ain't legal. i assume we canquote you, can we? law rather appealsto me, actually. just high. [withnail,laughing hysterically]

stop laughing,this is serious. no it ain't.i looked into it.studied the papers. what papers? legal papers. [withnail, laughing] he's got our checks. what are youdoing with these? i was gonna cashthem in for you. [deep voice]harry rama.harry rama.

for christ's sake, withnail.stop laughing. this is a notice of eviction. [sighs]will you stop laughing?they want to turn us out. harry rama. for god's-- will you shut up?you're giving me the fear. (marwood)gimme a downer, danny.my brain's capsizing . i'vegone and fucked my brain. (danny)change down, man.find your neutralspace. you got a rush. it will pass. be seated. aren't you gettingabsurdly high?

precisely the reasoni'm smoking it. couldn't. i'm spaced. not as spacedas your rodents. don't talk about them. well, i imagine they'retalking to each other. what do you mean?[panting] (danny)i've dealt with them. dealt with them?what the fuck you mean? dosed them . i expectthey're dead down the drain.

dead down the drain? what have you done to them? given them alldrugged onions. christ! why have youdrugged their onions? sit down, man . take control. gimme a valium.i'm getting the fear. (danny)you have donesomething to your brain. you have made it hot. if i lay 10 millsof diazepam

you will do somethingelse to your brain. you will make it low.why trust one drugand not the other? that's politics, isn't it? i'm gonna eat some sugar. i recommend you smokesome more grass. (marwood)no way. no fucking way. that is an unfortunatepolitical decision, reflecting these times. what are you talking about?

politics, man.if you're hangingon to a rising balloon you're presentedwith a difficult decision. let gobefore it's too late? or hang onand keep getting higher? posing the question,how long can you keepa grip on the rope? they're selling hippiewigs in woolworth's, man. the greatest decadein the history of mankindis over. and as presuming edhere has so consistentlypointed out, we have failedto paint it black.

my dad will pick upthe boxes in the week, and he gonna dosomething about the car. well, i'm off now then. already? i've got usa bottle open. confiscated itfrom monty's supplies. '53 margaux,best of the century. i'm surehe wouldn't resentus a parting drink. i can't. i gottawalk to the station.i'll be late. there's alwaystime for a drink.

i don't have the time. all right. i'll walkwith you through the park. we can drink iton the way. no, no more. listen, withnail.it's a stinker, whydon't you go back? because i wannawalk with youto the station. well, don't.please don't. i really don'twant you to. i shall miss you, withnail.

i shall miss you, too. "i have of latebut wherefore i know not "lost all my mirth "and indeedit goes so heavilywith my disposition "that this goodlyframe the earth "seems to mea sterile promontory. "this most excellentcanopy the air "look you, this braveo'er hanging firmament "this majestical rooffretted with golden fire

"why it appearethnothing to me "but a foul and persistentcongregation of vapours. "what a pieceof work is a manhow noble in reason "how infinite in faculties, "how like an angelin apprehension, "how like a god, "the beauty of the world, "the paragon of animals "and yet to me,

"what is thisquintessence of dust? "man delights not me "no, nor women neither. nor women neither."